Today is the 63rd Anniversary of Dianetics!

by joegio

Real science

Today is the 63rd Anniversary of Dianetics!  Like most things scientology, there isn’t a lot of information out there about the actual celebration of this day.  It seems like maybe if you’re a scientologist, you might go to your Scientology Center today for a “cup of coffee” for “ten minutes, maybe two hours”, but beyond that, it is unclear what you might do.  Maybe watch Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol.  It’s surprisingly good!

But never fear!  In the true tradition of Dianetics and L. Ron Hubbard, I have undertaken years of (unverifiable) pain-staking research into the rites of celebration for the Anniversary of Dianetics.  I am now an expert in the rites of this particular holiday.  I’d like to share with you my findings.

1) L. Ron Hubbard, the author of Dianetics lo these 63 years ago, was (among other things, and according to a movie on Scientology’s website) a master mariner, the youngest Eagle Scout of all time, and a “giant in the golden age of pulp fiction.”  That’s why on the Anniversary of Dianetics, all scientologists sleep in tents in their backyards and read back issues of Marvel’s Sub-Mariner with a flashlight.  JUST LIKE A REAL EAGLE SCOUT!

Just like L.Ron

2. 

This is the Scientology Tree.  Maybe they decorate it for the Anniversary of Dianetics!

3. Scientology on the whole is as as spoiler-averse as the cast and crew of Mad Men.  So it’s hard to know exactly what they believe, what they do, what they like, what their vision for the world is, or why they are called “scientologists.”  Among other things!  But if we know nothing else about what Scientologists actually do and think all day, we know this: above all else, scientologists are AWESOME at making videos.  Seriously, so many well-produced videos in the House of Xenu.  There are even digital displays at the scientology churches with “play” buttons and “pause” buttons so that in as little as two minutes you can have “a handle on that concept.”  Which could be anything!  Like, that you DO NOT have ghosts in you.  Or maybe the concept is that you have super powers.  WHATEVER.  Videos will show you how to get down.  That is why on the Anniversary of Dianetics, scientologists all go see Oblivion.

Tom!

4. Another thing you might do on the Anniversary of Dianetics is maybe have another scientology family over to your house for a light supper and maybe everyone can take a walk afterwards.

Going clear

There you have it!

A final word: special thanks to everyone who came out for Bartleby’s Ocho De Mayo celebration last night.  It was a blast.  Mark your calendars for June 14th and Bartleby Productions Presents: Flag Day!

QUESTION OF THE DAY: In what ways is a thetan like or unlike a wheat thin?

 

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